Things A Grown Man Should Never Have

I read Men's Health because the writing is witty and sharp. The last issue had a story called "Things a grown man should never have"...thought it was funny so here it is...can you think of anything else to add to the list.


1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose. (haven't had one of these since I quit riding...falling off of bulls.)

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster. (mine is my name and contact info)

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed. (this is basically Steph's job)

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life. (I do play, but only with Maxim and never enough to get PS-Thumb...in college I did)

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine. (A co-worker of mine has a metal shark on his chain that doubles as a opener...I thought it was cheesy before I read this)

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be. (I have about 3 lucky shirts, I will continue to wear them too)

7. An unstamped passport. (Mine is stamped, but also now expired)

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery. (Did I tell you what I did 2 weeks ago...guess I still have Olympic Dreams)

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic. (I never have cash...that's what Steph's purse if for)

10. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own. (Guilty...on occasion)

11. A futon. Beds are for sleeping. (We got rid of our a long time ago)

12. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything. (can't say I do)

13. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accouterments where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office. (Brecken would tear it down anyway)

14. A secret handshake. (Steph and I have one, Maxim and I have one, Dad and I have one...)

15. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones. (Do plastic Cubs, Coyotes and Twins cups count?)

16. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..." (Kind of tough not to have a story like this when you live right next door to cops.)

So I am holding on to some childish things...what can I say, I'm a kid at heart.